Hello Ben. Come on in and have a seat. I'm sure you're still disappointed about the Super Bowl loss. But there are other matters we must discuss. The offseason is here and if you recall, the public hasn't been too kind to you. Not to worry, I'm here to give you all the advice you need to get through the summer months without a hitch.
You need to be like us. Fans have to be able to relate to you. Forget the fact that you're a $100 million quarterback and one of the best in the game. Act like a common man. When you fly, only take coach. Be sure to have your chair kicked repeatedly by a six-year-old. Get rid of your fancy cars. Buy a used station wagon. Put a "My rookie center is a Pro Bowler" bumper sticker on the back.
Oh yeah, before I forget, don't make any mistakes. Ever. Be like the fans. If us fans weren't flawed and capable of making mistakes, that is. You need to be like the fans without being like them at all. How does that not make sense?
Don't drink alcohol at bars. What? No, that's not ridiculous. Don't you know that it's illegal for an athlete to ever consume any alcohol? Someone didn't pay attention to the chapter on the Constitution in history class. If I'm feeling generous that day, you can have a drink on your birthday. But take a page out of Scrubs' Zach Braffs' book. An appletini, easy on the "tini". Now it's a party!
On second thought, it's better to never leave your house. You should have learned your lesson after, gasp, actually leaving your hotel during Super Bowl week. What were you thinking? Trying to enjoy your life and reward yourself for the work you've put in to reach such a high level. I hear there's a Golden Girls marathon on. Won't that be fun! Let the witty one-liners of Estelle Getty be the highlight of your time off.
If you do feel compelled to leave your house, go to the nursing home and play shuffleboard with Old Man Jenkins. Stay away from the chess games. It can get pretty intense. Keep a watchful eye out for any who look out of place. The TMZ staff is crafty.
There you go, Ben. Follow these guidelines and the NFL will think you're a changed person. What's that? You wanted to actually become a better person?
This isn't about what you think of yourself. This is about us. The fans' perception comes before everything else. Get your priorities in order. When it comes to you, listen to us.
Guess I'll be clearing my schedule for the rest of the week. We've got a lot of work to do.
© 2011 Steelers Universe