In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the Dong Victory™ Report.
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over wins over paper teams this season, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Pittsburgh Steelers team.
As my longtime readers may recall, Coach Dumblin had been famous enough with his underachieving, narrow escapes vs below .500 teams, failing to beat the point spread against terrible teams, miracle wins by star players to make up for the lack of coaching, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Victory™", in honor of Mike Dumblin. (Some Power Ranking systems have incorporated this into their point systems for well over 2 decades)
Here in 2020, we'll again take time to expose the fraud that these Steelers are.
Beating the point spread on the road would usually not qualify for being a Dong Victory™, but don't let the final score fool you. The Steelers took on the hapless Giants who broke the record for most losses over a 3 season span, and are pretty much the team in the frontrunning to take the #1 pick in the draft every year. The Steelers dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing. Fortunately, it was against the shitty Giants who bungled the game away in their typical fashion.
QB - Ben Roethlisberger, the future HoF QB, showed how non-HoF worthy he actually is. Riding the coat tails of great Steeler defenses, and doing nothing in their SB wins, he did barely enough in a winning effort. He threw for a disappointing 3 TD's, when Lamar Jackson threw for 5 or 6 last year in his very first start. He failed to throw 7 TD's like a real HoF QB like Peyton Manning. All his TD passes were under 50 yards. F-
RB - Benny the Snail rushed for his first 100 yard game ever, which shows how much he sucks given all the opportunity he had last year. F
- James Conner left the game with a hurt vagina. F
WR - DuDU Smith-Poopster, who crapped the bed as a toddler and still does, chipped in with 2 Dong TD's which shouldn't count because of coverage failures. Even Villanueva was embarassed to be around such a turd and obviously didn't want to celebrate a TD with him. F
- James Washington, stellar effort on the TD but only caught one pass in 60 minutes. F
- Chase Claypool, who we wasted a 2nd round pick on, only caught 1 pass for a 1st down and rushed for a 1st down to seal the game. 2 touches, that's all you get when the doghumper Kevin Colbert is drafting these failures. F
- Diontae Johson allowed a punt to clang off his hands. The only way he could resolve himself is turn it around and catch 20 passes for 5 TD's. He didn't do that. F
- Ryan Switzer, didn't dress, thankfully. A+
TE - Ebron - did little. F
- Vance McDonald - didn't stiff arm anyone into the turf. F
OL - Allowed a sack. F
DL - Allowed Barkley to run an unacceptable 6 yards on 15 rushes. F
- Cam Heyward - caught a dong INT. We don't pay him to make interceptions we pay him to sack the QB. F
LB - Devin Bush, the winged god of linebacker coverage, did very little. Allowed the Barkley to catch a 1st down pass on a busted play. F
- The Kong of Dong™, TJ Watt, got a dong INT where Jones threw the pass right AT him. Watt luckily backed off in coverage since whenever he rushed he looped around the horn of Africa in his feeble attempts to sack the QB. F------
- Dong Dupree, allowed Jones to get a 1st down after a flailing whiff that left his dick in the dirt. F---------------
- HighDong DongSmith, did little. Thats's what you get when the doghumper is calling your draft. F
CB - Allowed Jones to pass for 200 yards, that's all you get with these polished turds, F
S - Fitzpatrick got caught looking in the backfield allowing the giants first TD. F
They got the W, but don't let them fool you. This came against an extremely piss poor Giants team which is already trying to dog it to get another top 3 pick in the draft
Current Stats:
Dong Victories™: 1
Earned Victories: 0
Losses: 0