Originally Posted by
Fire Goodell
In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the Dong Victory™ Report.
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over wins over paper teams this season, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Pittsburgh Steelers team.
As my longtime readers may recall, Coach Momlin had been famous enough with his underachieving, narrow escapes vs below .500 teams, failing to beat the point spread against terrible teams, miracle wins by star players to make up for the lack of coaching, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Victory™", in honor of Mike Momlin. (Some Power Ranking systems have incorporated this into their point systems for well over 2 decades).
Usually a victory against a somewhat capable 5-2 team wouldn't be considered a dong victory, but don't let it fool you. The Steelers looked exceptionally average, donging it the entire game. In a game where they only punted one time, they managed to score just a meager 19 points on offense. They settled for field goals and played grabass the entire afternoon, aided by dong penalties and an epic choke job by Adam Finkle.
QB - Mason Rudolph, who said he was going to start going downfield wasn't fooling anyone. He donged it the entire afternoon, with 14 of 26 passes completed to Jay Samuels. Threw an INT that clanged off Juju's hands. Mr Pocket Awareness himself, from his SEVEN yard line, dropped back to pass in what seemed like 10 seconds to throw the ball. Like some kind of stupid assfuk, dropped back into his own endzone and fumbled the ball that was fortunately recovered by Villanueva for a safety instead of giving up a TD. Did enough not to lose, but really, did very little. D-
RB - Jay Samuels, aka Mr. 2nd and 9, averaged a piddly 1 yard per rush, and got 73 yards through the air despite breaking the RB record for receptions in a game in a pitiful effort. Showed as much elusiveness as steven hawking without a wheelchair. F
- Trey Edmunds - a respectable 73 yards on 12 carries, then allowed to rot on the bench. Maybe he has to spend 2 years on the bench to 'learn the system' while Mr. 2nd and 9 continues to get 1 yard on first down. C-
WR - Dudu Smith-Shuster, who crapped the bed as a toddler and still does, foolishly allowed a pass that hit him IN THE HANDS to clang off his skillet hands for a dong INT to Indy. He finished today with... Hold your laughter.. 3 catches for 16 yards. I'm sure glad we made this guy our #1 receiver, whatta fraud. F-
- James Washington had his best game as a steeler, catching all 4 targets for 69 yards. Was then passed over in favor of dumpoffs to Samuels for dong completions the entire game. B-
- Dionate Johnson had 1 grab for 3 yards, very poor. Drew a dong PI call. D-
- Donte Sweed, was thankfully cut before this game
TE - McDonald - 5 catches, 30 yards and a TD. Nice to see Rudolph using the TE, though as you can see by the yardage, still a bunch of dong completions. C-
- Vanett - Allowed to do nothing all game, I'm glad we gave up a draft pick for this guy. Inc
OL - Allowed a safety but was mostly the Result of Mr. Pocket Awareness having his morning coffee and holding the ball for 90 seconds while waiting for the pass rush to sack him in the end zone. C+
DL - Cam Heyward chipped in with 4 tackles, had a piss-poor flailing whiff on all-world athlete Brian Hoyer, which enraged me. Allowed an Indy drive to continue for a TD. F-
- Tyson Alualu did little. D-
- Hargrave 3 tackles and 2 solos - D
LB - Bud Dupree finally had a decent game with 2 legitimate earbed sacks vs a LT. Quick, give this guy a 15M extension now! Of course, waits until a contract year to do anything noteworthy. Hopefully Kevin Colbert doesn't hump the dog and reward this already overpaid turd with a huge contract, or we could see the 3rd coming of Jason GilDong (The WoodenDong would be the #2 incarnation of this fraud). B+
- TJ Watt - 1.5 sacks and a dong TFL where the OL clumsily whiffed on his block. C-
- Vince Williams - Chipped in with 4 tackles
- Devin Bush, the winged god of linebacker coverage, continues to be the number one candidate for DPOY (Dong Player of the Year ™). He continues to impress the so-called experts with his cheesy stack jumps and dong tackles, looking respectable on paper, but was continuously abused in the passing game by Indy TEs. Glad we traded up to draft this fraud. F-
- Ola Adeniyi - Only saw ST action but forced a dong fumble by stack jumping on a careless returner who was already on his way down. C-
CB - I can't believe these guys allowed a single pass to be completed with T.Y. Hilton out, and Jacoby Brisett getting hurt. Allowed 3 TD's through the Air against career journeyman Brian Hoyer. F-
S - Minkah Fizpatrick - got a Dong INT and scored on a 97 yard return. Came against all-world athlete Brian Hoyer which counts as a dong INT (not a starting QB). B-
- Edmunds - chipped in a little. C-
- Cameron Kelly - Thankfully didn't play.
ST - Boswell nailed 4 FG's, one being a Dong FG right before the half which was aided by a dong unnecessary roughness penalty.
OC - Randy Fitchner did his best Bruce Arians impersonation with gutless, uninspired slop from his offensive unit, scoring just one offensive TD. Staying true to his form, pissed away opportunities with 1st and goal in your opponents' 10 yard line only to come away with measly field goals, despite being aided by dong PI and Unnecessary roughness penalties. Like some kind of total chickenshit, completely turtled in the final drive. It was so predictable even my 120 year old grandma with alzheimer's could guess which play was coming next. F-
DC - Keith Assler aka Mr. 3rd and long, once again failed to get opposing offenses off the field in 3rd and 12+ situations which is rather rage inducing. Allowed a 16 yard pickup on a 3rd and 17, which led to an easy 4th down conversion. Very poor. You just get the feeling that whenever they get the offense in a 3rd and worse-than-10 scenario, where a half competent defense will force a punt, Keith Assler's defense will somehow shit the bed and allow a 1st down completion. It's an absolute travesty that this joke wasn't fired before getting back to the locker room. F-----
HC - If he had any sense of honor and decency, he would write a letter to the NFL front office and forfeit this game. This game was nothing but dong after dong like some kind of bukake festival. Got a dong FG at the end of the half setting up a Boswell 51 yard kick. Got a dong TD from a Fitzpatrick INT against a backup QB. Another dong FG where the Indy returner carelessly didn't field the free kick properly after the Rudolph safety. Aided by a dong PI call on Diontae Johnson, leading to another FG. Taking away the 16 dong points, the Steelers would have been throughly handled by a halfway decent Indy team. Adding to that, this entire game was a dong victory, because their starting QB was injured in the first quarter. Even had he played, still a dong win due to Andrew Luck's retirement. F-
And there you have it, the usual Tomlin slop somehow resulting in a fortunate win. Don't let them fool you, they face an even tougher challenge against a visiting Rams team, who might not be so ready to hump the dog like the Indy Colts. Although a win against a quality opponent will usually be an earned victory, the manner in which they did it qualifies as a Dong Victory™
Current Stats:
Dong Victories™: 3
Earned Victories: 1
Losses: 4