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Thread: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

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    The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the Dong Victory™ Report.

    In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over wins over paper teams this season, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Pittsburgh Steelers team.
    As my longtime readers may recall, Coach Momlin had been famous enough with his underachieving, narrow escapes vs below .500 teams, failing to beat the point spread against terrible teams, miracle wins by star players to make up for the lack of coaching, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Victory™", in honor of Mike Momlin. (Some Power Ranking systems have incorporated this into their point systems for well over 2 decades).

    Usually a victory against a somewhat capable 5-2 team wouldn't be considered a dong victory, but don't let it fool you. The Steelers looked exceptionally average, donging it the entire game. In a game where they only punted one time, they managed to score just a meager 19 points on offense. They settled for field goals and played grabass the entire afternoon, aided by dong penalties and an epic choke job by Adam Finkle.

    QB - Mason Rudolph, who said he was going to start going downfield wasn't fooling anyone. He donged it the entire afternoon, with 14 of 26 passes completed to Jay Samuels. Threw an INT that clanged off Juju's hands. Mr Pocket Awareness himself, from his SEVEN yard line, dropped back to pass in what seemed like 10 seconds to throw the ball. Like some kind of stupid assfuk, dropped back into his own endzone and fumbled the ball that was fortunately recovered by Villanueva for a safety instead of giving up a TD. Did enough not to lose, but really, did very little. D-

    RB - Jay Samuels, aka Mr. 2nd and 9, averaged a piddly 1 yard per rush, and got 73 yards through the air despite breaking the RB record for receptions in a game in a pitiful effort. Showed as much elusiveness as steven hawking without a wheelchair. F
    - Trey Edmunds - a respectable 73 yards on 12 carries, then allowed to rot on the bench. Maybe he has to spend 2 years on the bench to 'learn the system' while Mr. 2nd and 9 continues to get 1 yard on first down. C-

    WR - Dudu Smith-Shuster, who crapped the bed as a toddler and still does, foolishly allowed a pass that hit him IN THE HANDS to clang off his skillet hands for a dong INT to Indy. He finished today with... Hold your laughter.. 3 catches for 16 yards. I'm sure glad we made this guy our #1 receiver, whatta fraud. F-
    - James Washington had his best game as a steeler, catching all 4 targets for 69 yards. Was then passed over in favor of dumpoffs to Samuels for dong completions the entire game. B-
    - Dionate Johnson had 1 grab for 3 yards, very poor. Drew a dong PI call. D-
    - Donte Sweed, was thankfully cut before this game

    TE - McDonald - 5 catches, 30 yards and a TD. Nice to see Rudolph using the TE, though as you can see by the yardage, still a bunch of dong completions. C-
    - Vanett - Allowed to do nothing all game, I'm glad we gave up a draft pick for this guy. Inc

    OL - Allowed a safety but was mostly the Result of Mr. Pocket Awareness having his morning coffee and holding the ball for 90 seconds while waiting for the pass rush to sack him in the end zone. C+

    DL - Cam Heyward chipped in with 4 tackles, had a piss-poor flailing whiff on all-world athlete Brian Hoyer, which enraged me. Allowed an Indy drive to continue for a TD. F-
    - Tyson Alualu did little. D-
    - Hargrave 3 tackles and 2 solos - D

    LB - Bud Dupree finally had a decent game with 2 legitimate earbed sacks vs a LT. Quick, give this guy a 15M extension now! Of course, waits until a contract year to do anything noteworthy. Hopefully Kevin Colbert doesn't hump the dog and reward this already overpaid turd with a huge contract, or we could see the 3rd coming of Jason GilDong (The WoodenDong would be the #2 incarnation of this fraud). B+
    - TJ Watt - 1.5 sacks and a dong TFL where the OL clumsily whiffed on his block. C-
    - Vince Williams - Chipped in with 4 tackles
    - Devin Bush, the winged god of linebacker coverage, continues to be the number one candidate for DPOY (Dong Player of the Year ™). He continues to impress the so-called experts with his cheesy stack jumps and dong tackles, looking respectable on paper, but was continuously abused in the passing game by Indy TEs. Glad we traded up to draft this fraud. F-
    - Ola Adeniyi - Only saw ST action but forced a dong fumble by stack jumping on a careless returner who was already on his way down. C-

    CB - I can't believe these guys allowed a single pass to be completed with T.Y. Hilton out, and Jacoby Brisett getting hurt. Allowed 3 TD's through the Air against career journeyman Brian Hoyer. F-

    S - Minkah Fizpatrick - got a Dong INT and scored on a 97 yard return. Came against all-world athlete Brian Hoyer which counts as a dong INT (not a starting QB). B-
    - Edmunds - chipped in a little. C-
    - Cameron Kelly - Thankfully didn't play.

    ST - Boswell nailed 4 FG's, one being a Dong FG right before the half which was aided by a dong unnecessary roughness penalty.

    OC - Randy Fitchner did his best Bruce Arians impersonation with gutless, uninspired slop from his offensive unit, scoring just one offensive TD. Staying true to his form, pissed away opportunities with 1st and goal in your opponents' 10 yard line only to come away with measly field goals, despite being aided by dong PI and Unnecessary roughness penalties. Like some kind of total chickenshit, completely turtled in the final drive. It was so predictable even my 120 year old grandma with alzheimer's could guess which play was coming next. F-

    DC - Keith Assler aka Mr. 3rd and long, once again failed to get opposing offenses off the field in 3rd and 12+ situations which is rather rage inducing. Allowed a 16 yard pickup on a 3rd and 17, which led to an easy 4th down conversion. Very poor. You just get the feeling that whenever they get the offense in a 3rd and worse-than-10 scenario, where a half competent defense will force a punt, Keith Assler's defense will somehow shit the bed and allow a 1st down completion. It's an absolute travesty that this joke wasn't fired before getting back to the locker room. F-----

    HC - If he had any sense of honor and decency, he would write a letter to the NFL front office and forfeit this game. This game was nothing but dong after dong like some kind of bukake festival. Got a dong FG at the end of the half setting up a Boswell 51 yard kick. Got a dong TD from a Fitzpatrick INT against a backup QB. Another dong FG where the Indy returner carelessly didn't field the free kick properly after the Rudolph safety. Aided by a dong PI call on Diontae Johnson, leading to another FG. Taking away the 16 dong points, the Steelers would have been throughly handled by a halfway decent Indy team. Adding to that, this entire game was a dong victory, because their starting QB was injured in the first quarter. Even had he played, still a dong win due to Andrew Luck's retirement. F-

    And there you have it, the usual Tomlin slop somehow resulting in a fortunate win. Don't let them fool you, they face an even tougher challenge against a visiting Rams team, who might not be so ready to hump the dog like the Indy Colts. Although a win against a quality opponent will usually be an earned victory, the manner in which they did it qualifies as a Dong Victory™

    Current Stats:

    Dong Victories™: 3
    Earned Victories: 1
    Losses: 4

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Fire Goodell View Post
    In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the Dong Victory™ Report.

    In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over wins over paper teams this season, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Pittsburgh Steelers team.
    As my longtime readers may recall, Coach Momlin had been famous enough with his underachieving, narrow escapes vs below .500 teams, failing to beat the point spread against terrible teams, miracle wins by star players to make up for the lack of coaching, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Victory™", in honor of Mike Momlin. (Some Power Ranking systems have incorporated this into their point systems for well over 2 decades).

    Usually a victory against a somewhat capable 5-2 team wouldn't be considered a dong victory, but don't let it fool you. The Steelers looked exceptionally average, donging it the entire game. In a game where they only punted one time, they managed to score just a meager 19 points on offense. They settled for field goals and played grabass the entire afternoon, aided by dong penalties and an epic choke job by Adam Finkle.

    QB - Mason Rudolph, who said he was going to start going downfield wasn't fooling anyone. He donged it the entire afternoon, with 14 of 26 passes completed to Jay Samuels. Threw an INT that clanged off Juju's hands. Mr Pocket Awareness himself, from his SEVEN yard line, dropped back to pass in what seemed like 10 seconds to throw the ball. Like some kind of stupid assfuk, dropped back into his own endzone and fumbled the ball that was fortunately recovered by Villanueva for a safety instead of giving up a TD. Did enough not to lose, but really, did very little. D-

    RB - Jay Samuels, aka Mr. 2nd and 9, averaged a piddly 1 yard per rush, and got 73 yards through the air despite breaking the RB record for receptions in a game in a pitiful effort. Showed as much elusiveness as steven hawking without a wheelchair. F
    - Trey Edmunds - a respectable 73 yards on 12 carries, then allowed to rot on the bench. Maybe he has to spend 2 years on the bench to 'learn the system' while Mr. 2nd and 9 continues to get 1 yard on first down. C-

    WR - Dudu Smith-Shuster, who crapped the bed as a toddler and still does, foolishly allowed a pass that hit him IN THE HANDS to clang off his skillet hands for a dong INT to Indy. He finished today with... Hold your laughter.. 3 catches for 16 yards. I'm sure glad we made this guy our #1 receiver, whatta fraud. F-
    - James Washington had his best game as a steeler, catching all 4 targets for 69 yards. Was then passed over in favor of dumpoffs to Samuels for dong completions the entire game. B-
    - Dionate Johnson had 1 grab for 3 yards, very poor. Drew a dong PI call. D-
    - Donte Sweed, was thankfully cut before this game

    TE - McDonald - 5 catches, 30 yards and a TD. Nice to see Rudolph using the TE, though as you can see by the yardage, still a bunch of dong completions. C-
    - Vanett - Allowed to do nothing all game, I'm glad we gave up a draft pick for this guy. Inc

    OL - Allowed a safety but was mostly the Result of Mr. Pocket Awareness having his morning coffee and holding the ball for 90 seconds while waiting for the pass rush to sack him in the end zone. C+

    DL - Cam Heyward chipped in with 4 tackles, had a piss-poor flailing whiff on all-world athlete Brian Hoyer, which enraged me. Allowed an Indy drive to continue for a TD. F-
    - Tyson Alualu did little. D-
    - Hargrave 3 tackles and 2 solos - D

    LB - Bud Dupree finally had a decent game with 2 legitimate earbed sacks vs a LT. Quick, give this guy a 15M extension now! Of course, waits until a contract year to do anything noteworthy. Hopefully Kevin Colbert doesn't hump the dog and reward this already overpaid turd with a huge contract, or we could see the 3rd coming of Jason GilDong (The WoodenDong would be the #2 incarnation of this fraud). B+
    - TJ Watt - 1.5 sacks and a dong TFL where the OL clumsily whiffed on his block. C-
    - Vince Williams - Chipped in with 4 tackles
    - Devin Bush, the winged god of linebacker coverage, continues to be the number one candidate for DPOY (Dong Player of the Year ™). He continues to impress the so-called experts with his cheesy stack jumps and dong tackles, looking respectable on paper, but was continuously abused in the passing game by Indy TEs. Glad we traded up to draft this fraud. F-
    - Ola Adeniyi - Only saw ST action but forced a dong fumble by stack jumping on a careless returner who was already on his way down. C-

    CB - I can't believe these guys allowed a single pass to be completed with T.Y. Hilton out, and Jacoby Brisett getting hurt. Allowed 3 TD's through the Air against career journeyman Brian Hoyer. F-

    S - Minkah Fizpatrick - got a Dong INT and scored on a 97 yard return. Came against all-world athlete Brian Hoyer which counts as a dong INT (not a starting QB). B-
    - Edmunds - chipped in a little. C-
    - Cameron Kelly - Thankfully didn't play.

    ST - Boswell nailed 4 FG's, one being a Dong FG right before the half which was aided by a dong unnecessary roughness penalty.

    OC - Randy Fitchner did his best Bruce Arians impersonation with gutless, uninspired slop from his offensive unit, scoring just one offensive TD. Staying true to his form, pissed away opportunities with 1st and goal in your opponents' 10 yard line only to come away with measly field goals, despite being aided by dong PI and Unnecessary roughness penalties. Like some kind of total chickenshit, completely turtled in the final drive. It was so predictable even my 120 year old grandma with alzheimer's could guess which play was coming next. F-

    DC - Keith Assler aka Mr. 3rd and long, once again failed to get opposing offenses off the field in 3rd and 12+ situations which is rather rage inducing. Allowed a 16 yard pickup on a 3rd and 17, which led to an easy 4th down conversion. Very poor. You just get the feeling that whenever they get the offense in a 3rd and worse-than-10 scenario, where a half competent defense will force a punt, Keith Assler's defense will somehow shit the bed and allow a 1st down completion. It's an absolute travesty that this joke wasn't fired before getting back to the locker room. F-----

    HC - If he had any sense of honor and decency, he would write a letter to the NFL front office and forfeit this game. This game was nothing but dong after dong like some kind of bukake festival. Got a dong FG at the end of the half setting up a Boswell 51 yard kick. Got a dong TD from a Fitzpatrick INT against a backup QB. Another dong FG where the Indy returner carelessly didn't field the free kick properly after the Rudolph safety. Aided by a dong PI call on Diontae Johnson, leading to another FG. Taking away the 16 dong points, the Steelers would have been throughly handled by a halfway decent Indy team. Adding to that, this entire game was a dong victory, because their starting QB was injured in the first quarter. Even had he played, still a dong win due to Andrew Luck's retirement. F-

    And there you have it, the usual Tomlin slop somehow resulting in a fortunate win. Don't let them fool you, they face an even tougher challenge against a visiting Rams team, who might not be so ready to hump the dog like the Indy Colts. Although a win against a quality opponent will usually be an earned victory, the manner in which they did it qualifies as a Dong Victory™

    Current Stats:

    Dong Victories™: 3
    Earned Victories: 1
    Losses: 4


    Nice work Dong Master!

  3. #3
    Senior Member Array title="HollywoodSteel has a reputation beyond repute"> HollywoodSteel's Avatar

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Which victory did the earn?

    All previous victories were to below .500 teams, which seems like the definition of Dong.

    And I'm not sure if it's fair to give our DC five minuses after the F if you're only gonna give one minus to the OC. But I suppose it's all a bit subdongtive when you have to make those judgement calls on such a well thought out dong-sessment.

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by HollywoodSteel View Post
    Which victory did the earn?

    All previous victories were to below .500 teams, which seems like the definition of Dong.

    And I'm not sure if it's fair to give our DC five minuses after the F if you're only gonna give one minus to the OC. But I suppose it's all a bit subdongtive when you have to make those judgement calls on such a well thought out dong-sessment.
    The earned victory was vs SD. Any win against the Bengals is a dong victory, no matter the score cause bungles gonna bungle.

    Dong-sessments and grading system isn't based on pure logic, it's all about dongs

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    I love this weekly report ! Only problem is that I'm enjoying my coffee with it and thenI end up spewing coffee all over my computer while laughing. This is the best football thread on Mondays.

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Fire Goodell View Post
    The earned victory was vs SD. Any win against the Bengals is a dong victory, no matter the score cause bungles gonna bungle.

    Dong-sessments and grading system isn't based on pure logic, it's all about dongs
    Fair enough.

    Just remember that two dongs don't make a right, but they do make a Bud Dupree stat line.

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Fire Goodell View Post

    Current Stats:

    Dong Victories™: 3
    Earned Victories: 1
    Losses: 4
    I forgot... who was the earned victory against??

    - - - Updated - - -

    NM... I see...

    Semi dong as the Chargers weren't playing well and there were more Steeler fans than Charger fans. DONG.

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    You're way too generous with your letter grades, a lot of dong B's and C's in there. I know a win's exciting, but calm down, no need to slob these guys' knobs like they're
    Brady. A crappy way too generous Dong Report - F
    See you Space Cowboy ...

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by steelreserve View Post
    You're way too generous with your letter grades, a lot of dong B's and C's in there. I know a win's exciting, but calm down, no need to slob these guys' knobs like they're
    Brady. A crappy way too generous Dong Report - F
    That was such an easy criticism of the Dong report that I’ve got to call it a Dong critique. F-

    And yes, I acknowledge that this is a Dong critique of your critique so I’ll save you the time. I get an F- as well.

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    No mention of Dog Humper Colbert??

    Dong misprint F--

    WR - Dudu Smith-Shuster, who crapped the bed as a toddler and still does, foolishly allowed a pass that hit him IN THE HANDS to clang off his skillet hands for a dong INT to Indy. He finished today with... Hold your laughter.. 3 catches for 16 yards. I'm sure glad we made this guy our #1 receiver, whatta fraud. F-
    Did Mark Madden make a dong contribution to the Dong Report?
    That's what it's all about.



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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by steelreserve View Post
    You're way too generous with your letter grades, a lot of dong B's and C's in there. I know a win's exciting, but calm down, no need to slob these guys' knobs like they're
    Brady. A crappy way too generous Dong Report - F
    I only called it an earned victory because we started our 3rd string QB. You bet your ass if Mason played, it'd be a dong victory. However, these grades are not based on logic, just how I feel as I'm typing it. I think your response is a dong post, and you should change your name to steeldong. A fitting name, since you like to dong it harder than most.


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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    You call this a "dong report"?? You're just mailing it in now, ain'tcha? You should go apply at Deadspin. I hear they're hiring hacks. Christ. F--
    "You've heard people brag about 'being in the zone'. They don't know what the Hell being in the zone is about. I played in the NFL for 15 years and I was only in the zone that one time." - "Mean" Joe Greene on the 1974 playoff victory over Oakland

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    I can’t decide if we’ve driven this Dong thing into the ground, or if it never gets old.

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by HollywoodSteel View Post
    I can’t decide if we’ve driven this Dong thing into the ground, or if it never gets old.
    The Dong Report™ is like a kid with leukemia; it never gets old.
    "You've heard people brag about 'being in the zone'. They don't know what the Hell being in the zone is about. I played in the NFL for 15 years and I was only in the zone that one time." - "Mean" Joe Greene on the 1974 playoff victory over Oakland

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by HollywoodSteel View Post
    I can’t decide if we’ve driven this Dong thing into the ground, or if it never gets old.
    Honestly was only planned to do it as a one time thing, but someone asked me to do it again lol.

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Fire Goodell View Post
    Honestly was only planned to do it as a one time thing, but someone asked me to do it again lol.
    I don’t just mean the Dong report itself. I mean all of our references to Dong this and Dong that now. It’s become our “that’s what she said.”

    I admit that I’m as guilty as anyone here. And I’m certainly not gonna be the one who discourages others from it.

    - - - Updated - - -

    https://youtu.be/oXZVogXPAr4

    - - - Updated - - -

    https://youtu.be/oXZVogXPAr4

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by HollywoodSteel View Post
    I don’t just mean the Dong report itself. I mean all of our references to Dong this and Dong that now. It’s become our “that’s what she said.”

    I admit that I’m as guilty as anyone here. And I’m certainly not gonna be the one who discourages others from it.

    - - - Updated - - -

    https://youtu.be/oXZVogXPAr4

    - - - Updated - - -

    https://youtu.be/oXZVogXPAr4
    I think it's okay in the tongue- in- cheek way we're employing it. We've progressed from a team that "plays down to inferior opponents" to a team that "collects undeserved wins against superior teams". It's actually a good thing, but some people gonna bitch no matter what happens. Might as well have fun with it.
    "You've heard people brag about 'being in the zone'. They don't know what the Hell being in the zone is about. I played in the NFL for 15 years and I was only in the zone that one time." - "Mean" Joe Greene on the 1974 playoff victory over Oakland

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Fire Goodell View Post
    I only called it an earned victory because we started our 3rd string QB. You bet your ass if Mason played, it'd be a dong victory. However, these grades are not based on logic, just how I feel as I'm typing it. I think your response is a dong post, and you should change your name to steeldong. A fitting name, since you like to dong it harder than most.

    Oh that's rich. Guy writes a dong Dong Report and then says I gave him a dong response. Sorry man, you reap what you sow, and that's a whole lotta dongs. F.
    See you Space Cowboy ...

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    The biggest

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    How has no one yet referred to Hodges as Long Duck Dong?

    Or I guess, Small Duck Dong.

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by GoSlash27 View Post
    The Dong Report™ is like a kid with leukemia; it never gets old.


    YES!!!... someone else with an affinity for dark humor.


    Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: Apparently not 15, because my basement is still dark.

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by El-Gonzo Jackson View Post
    I love this weekly report ! Only problem is that I'm enjoying my coffee with it and thenI end up spewing coffee all over my computer while laughing. This is the best football thread on Mondays.
    It's not a weekly report unless the team continues to dong it. Earned wins and losses don't get a Dong Victory™ report.

    Here's the criteria:
    1) Has to be a win that wasn't earned.
    2) An earned win is the following:
    - Beating a sub .500 team and winning the point spread
    - Beating a favored team without 'escaping defeat' - ie. result of a missed field goal or getting dong penalties
    * Dong penalties are tickytack penalties on 3rd down, instead of a killed drive, result in points (aka dong points, in honor of Joe Flacco the UniDong)
    - Beating the Bengals by 56 points. Any less? DONG
    3) The Dong Formula, according to The Committee, is the Steelers final score minus the dong points.
    - For example, if the Steelers win by 10, and were favored by 4. If they had 7 dong points, then that also counts as a Dong Victory™
    4) Of course, losses aren't a victory and can't be a Dong Victory™

    Examples of Dong Points:
    1) Defensive TD against a backup QB
    2) Points off a dong penalty (questionable calls that go our way and extend a drive on 3rd down)
    3) #1 receiver scoring a TD vs anything less than double coverage or the opponent's #1 CB
    4) Defensive TD against the Bengals
    5) Pass TD to a running back* (Recently added, in honor of Mason RuDong, the Kong of the Dink n' Dong offense)
    6) Opponent doing something REALLY stupid that results in points

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Fire Goodell View Post
    In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the Dong Victory™ Report.

    In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over wins over paper teams this season, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Pittsburgh Steelers team.
    As my longtime readers may recall, Coach Momlin had been famous enough with his underachieving, narrow escapes vs below .500 teams, failing to beat the point spread against terrible teams, miracle wins by star players to make up for the lack of coaching, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Victory™", in honor of Mike Momlin. (Some Power Ranking systems have incorporated this into their point systems for well over 2 decades).

    Usually a victory against a somewhat capable 5-2 team wouldn't be considered a dong victory, but don't let it fool you. The Steelers looked exceptionally average, donging it the entire game. In a game where they only punted one time, they managed to score just a meager 19 points on offense. They settled for field goals and played grabass the entire afternoon, aided by dong penalties and an epic choke job by Adam Finkle.

    QB - Mason Rudolph, who said he was going to start going downfield wasn't fooling anyone. He donged it the entire afternoon, with 14 of 26 passes completed to Jay Samuels. Threw an INT that clanged off Juju's hands. Mr Pocket Awareness himself, from his SEVEN yard line, dropped back to pass in what seemed like 10 seconds to throw the ball. Like some kind of stupid assfuk, dropped back into his own endzone and fumbled the ball that was fortunately recovered by Villanueva for a safety instead of giving up a TD. Did enough not to lose, but really, did very little. D-

    RB - Jay Samuels, aka Mr. 2nd and 9, averaged a piddly 1 yard per rush, and got 73 yards through the air despite breaking the RB record for receptions in a game in a pitiful effort. Showed as much elusiveness as steven hawking without a wheelchair. F
    - Trey Edmunds - a respectable 73 yards on 12 carries, then allowed to rot on the bench. Maybe he has to spend 2 years on the bench to 'learn the system' while Mr. 2nd and 9 continues to get 1 yard on first down. C-

    WR - Dudu Smith-Shuster, who crapped the bed as a toddler and still does, foolishly allowed a pass that hit him IN THE HANDS to clang off his skillet hands for a dong INT to Indy. He finished today with... Hold your laughter.. 3 catches for 16 yards. I'm sure glad we made this guy our #1 receiver, whatta fraud. F-
    - James Washington had his best game as a steeler, catching all 4 targets for 69 yards. Was then passed over in favor of dumpoffs to Samuels for dong completions the entire game. B-
    - Dionate Johnson had 1 grab for 3 yards, very poor. Drew a dong PI call. D-
    - Donte Sweed, was thankfully cut before this game

    TE - McDonald - 5 catches, 30 yards and a TD. Nice to see Rudolph using the TE, though as you can see by the yardage, still a bunch of dong completions. C-
    - Vanett - Allowed to do nothing all game, I'm glad we gave up a draft pick for this guy. Inc

    OL - Allowed a safety but was mostly the Result of Mr. Pocket Awareness having his morning coffee and holding the ball for 90 seconds while waiting for the pass rush to sack him in the end zone. C+

    DL - Cam Heyward chipped in with 4 tackles, had a piss-poor flailing whiff on all-world athlete Brian Hoyer, which enraged me. Allowed an Indy drive to continue for a TD. F-
    - Tyson Alualu did little. D-
    - Hargrave 3 tackles and 2 solos - D

    LB - Bud Dupree finally had a decent game with 2 legitimate earbed sacks vs a LT. Quick, give this guy a 15M extension now! Of course, waits until a contract year to do anything noteworthy. Hopefully Kevin Colbert doesn't hump the dog and reward this already overpaid turd with a huge contract, or we could see the 3rd coming of Jason GilDong (The WoodenDong would be the #2 incarnation of this fraud). B+
    - TJ Watt - 1.5 sacks and a dong TFL where the OL clumsily whiffed on his block. C-
    - Vince Williams - Chipped in with 4 tackles
    - Devin Bush, the winged god of linebacker coverage, continues to be the number one candidate for DPOY (Dong Player of the Year ™). He continues to impress the so-called experts with his cheesy stack jumps and dong tackles, looking respectable on paper, but was continuously abused in the passing game by Indy TEs. Glad we traded up to draft this fraud. F-
    - Ola Adeniyi - Only saw ST action but forced a dong fumble by stack jumping on a careless returner who was already on his way down. C-

    CB - I can't believe these guys allowed a single pass to be completed with T.Y. Hilton out, and Jacoby Brisett getting hurt. Allowed 3 TD's through the Air against career journeyman Brian Hoyer. F-

    S - Minkah Fizpatrick - got a Dong INT and scored on a 97 yard return. Came against all-world athlete Brian Hoyer which counts as a dong INT (not a starting QB). B-
    - Edmunds - chipped in a little. C-
    - Cameron Kelly - Thankfully didn't play.

    ST - Boswell nailed 4 FG's, one being a Dong FG right before the half which was aided by a dong unnecessary roughness penalty.

    OC - Randy Fitchner did his best Bruce Arians impersonation with gutless, uninspired slop from his offensive unit, scoring just one offensive TD. Staying true to his form, pissed away opportunities with 1st and goal in your opponents' 10 yard line only to come away with measly field goals, despite being aided by dong PI and Unnecessary roughness penalties. Like some kind of total chickenshit, completely turtled in the final drive. It was so predictable even my 120 year old grandma with alzheimer's could guess which play was coming next. F-

    DC - Keith Assler aka Mr. 3rd and long, once again failed to get opposing offenses off the field in 3rd and 12+ situations which is rather rage inducing. Allowed a 16 yard pickup on a 3rd and 17, which led to an easy 4th down conversion. Very poor. You just get the feeling that whenever they get the offense in a 3rd and worse-than-10 scenario, where a half competent defense will force a punt, Keith Assler's defense will somehow shit the bed and allow a 1st down completion. It's an absolute travesty that this joke wasn't fired before getting back to the locker room. F-----

    HC - If he had any sense of honor and decency, he would write a letter to the NFL front office and forfeit this game. This game was nothing but dong after dong like some kind of bukake festival. Got a dong FG at the end of the half setting up a Boswell 51 yard kick. Got a dong TD from a Fitzpatrick INT against a backup QB. Another dong FG where the Indy returner carelessly didn't field the free kick properly after the Rudolph safety. Aided by a dong PI call on Diontae Johnson, leading to another FG. Taking away the 16 dong points, the Steelers would have been throughly handled by a halfway decent Indy team. Adding to that, this entire game was a dong victory, because their starting QB was injured in the first quarter. Even had he played, still a dong win due to Andrew Luck's retirement. F-

    And there you have it, the usual Tomlin slop somehow resulting in a fortunate win. Don't let them fool you, they face an even tougher challenge against a visiting Rams team, who might not be so ready to hump the dog like the Indy Colts. Although a win against a quality opponent will usually be an earned victory, the manner in which they did it qualifies as a Dong Victory™

    Current Stats:

    Dong Victories™: 3
    Earned Victories: 1
    Losses: 4
    Quality stuff. I don't agree with all of the grades, but I do think we were lucky...AKA Donged a win.

  24. #24
    Senior Member Array title="Born2Steel has a reputation beyond repute"> Born2Steel's Avatar

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Just for clarification, when does a ‘dong’ become a ‘hippo fart’? Or does it go the other way?

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    The voice of reason Array title="GoSlash27 has a reputation beyond repute"> GoSlash27's Avatar

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Speaking of... Are we getting a Dong Victory™ report for week 10?
    "You've heard people brag about 'being in the zone'. They don't know what the Hell being in the zone is about. I played in the NFL for 15 years and I was only in the zone that one time." - "Mean" Joe Greene on the 1974 playoff victory over Oakland

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    Senior Member Array title="Fire Goodell has a reputation beyond repute"> Fire Goodell's Avatar

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by GoSlash27 View Post
    Speaking of... Are we getting a Dong Victory™ report for week 10?
    They only get done for dong wins, this one was an earned victory. They currently stand at 3 Dong Victories™ and 2 Earned Victories

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Fire Goodell View Post
    They only get done for dong wins, this one was an earned victory. They currently stand at 3 Dong Victories™ and 2 Earned Victories
    So......if the Browns are favored, and they have a worse record, and a tree falls in the woods, and the Steelers win.........is it a “Dong Victory”? Inquiring minds want to know....not sure how to do the TM.

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    Senior Member Array title="Fire Goodell has a reputation beyond repute"> Fire Goodell's Avatar

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Hawkman View Post
    So......if the Browns are favored, and they have a worse record, and a tree falls in the woods, and the Steelers win.........is it a “Dong Victory”? Inquiring minds want to know....not sure how to do the TM.
    Well even though the Brahns are favored, it could still be a dong win if the Scored points - Dong points = a net negative vs the point spread. Considering it's the Browns, well, there's a good chance for dong points to happen (Criteria #6 for Dong Points: Opponent does something REALLY stupid that results in points)

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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Fire Goodell View Post
    Well even though the Brahns are favored, it could still be a dong win if the Scored points - Dong points = a net negative vs the point spread. Considering it's the Browns, well, there's a good chance for dong points to happen (Criteria #6 for Dong Points: Opponent does something REALLY stupid that results in points)
    I will have to ponder this.

  30. #30
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    Re: The Dong Victory™ Report: Week 9

    Quote Originally Posted by Hawkman View Post
    I will have to ponder this.
    It's a real possibility so stay tuned After all, Indy was favored, but this went down as a dong win because of all the dong points and the missed FG at the end lol

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