In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the Dong Victory™ Report.
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over wins over paper teams this season, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Pittsburgh Steelers team.
As my longtime readers may recall, Coach Momlin had been famous enough with his underachieving, narrow escapes vs below .500 teams, failing to beat the point spread against terrible teams, miracle wins by star players to make up for the lack of coaching, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Victory™", in honor of Mike Momlin. (Some Power Ranking systems have incorporated this into their point systems for well over 2 decades)
Here in 2019, we'll again take time to expose the fraud that these Steelers are.
In the 7th game of the season against the hapless Fins, they lived up to their reputation with another listless, feeble, half-hearted performance. They dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing. Fortunately it was against an 0-7 team who couldn't stop shooting themselves in the foot.
QB - Mason Rudolph came in looking like he still hasn't passed the concussion protocol and had less awareness than a drunk Joe Theismann fawning over Suzy Kolber. Threw a terrible INT on his first pass which really enraged me. Threw for less than 7 TD's against a terrible Dolphins squad. Threw a dong TD when the defense decided not to cover DJ at all, and threw another dong TD when a pass that should have been INT'd got stolen from the defender by Juju - F
RB - Conner rushed for a crappy 145 yards on 23 carries, for a paltry 6.3 yards per carry. Got injured being the softee he is. Pittsburgh might be stronger than cancer but Conner obviously isn't stronger than the crappy heinz field turf - D-
- Benny Snell football must mean rushing for no gain. 5 carries for 13 yards, i forgot is this the pee wee league where everyone needs to participate? F-
WR - DuDu Smith-Shuster, who crapped the bed as a toddler, and still does, finally got a 100 yard performance, stop the presses! Sign this man for a 17M extention now!! Kevin Colbert the doghumper is on the phone with his agent right now. But his performance isn't fooling anyone. He had most of his yardage after Howard went out with an injury, making his receptions all dong receptions, which don't count unless you're up against double coverage or the other teams' #1 CB. D
- Diontae Johnson chipped in for 80 yards or so, had a dong TD where no defender covered him on a 3rd and 22. Since he's a rookie he's not yet subject to my wrath, but next season, watch the F out. B-
- Washington - did very little, nice block on DJ's touchdown. F
TE - McDonald - did very little, surprisingly wasn't injured after the game. F
Vanett - caught a 1st down pass, other than that, did little. F
OL - Did pretty decent, although they got flagged for holding once, so... F
DL - Cam Heyward chipped in with 3 solos and a sack - D-
LB - Devin Bush, the winged god of linebacker coverage, did little in the passing games. Contributed to 7 total tackles which were mostly cheesy stack jumps, didn't defend any passes - F
Bud Dupree got a dong sack, not to be outdone, the Kong of Dong, TJ Watt, led the way with 2 sacks. Got a dong fumble recovery from fitzmagic thinking he hit the ground and letting go of the ball. What a turd - F-
CB - Haden allowed completed passes, how dare he do that. I guess that's what you get for 10 million a year! F
S - Fitzpatrick got 2 dong INT's one from a deflected pass, and another from a very poorly overthrown ball. D-
They got the W, but don't let them fool you. This came against an extremely piss poor dolphins team which hasn't won a meaningful game since the Nixon administration. They couldn't cover the point spread against a team that couldn't beat your local peewee team. By failing to cover at home on MNF, this earns them another Dong Victory™ for week 8.
Current Stats:
Dong Victories™: 2
Earned Victories: 1
Losses: 4
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Originally Posted by Mojouw
3 Reel Treasure Slots Champion!
The 13 minutes that the refs took to figure out the spot of the ball and the time on the clock turned it from a “win” to a “dong”.
