In the spirit of the last few weeks, I thought it would be good to have a place to make predictions on what will happen if everything continues to be as FUCKED UP as possible! There aren't really rules, other than try to avoid the ultra-obvious "Ben tears his ACL - out for the season!!!" and shit like that. Trying to keep it to about three things each for before, during, and after the season ...
Offseason/preseason
Offensive line back to pre-Munchak form. Suddenly no one can block and we're back to leading the league in sacks. Foster is not re-signed, so we pay $6M for his replacement and he signs elsewhere for $3M.
R1 draft pick: "Incredible raw talent, needs coaching." Bonus if it's another DB or a pass rusher.
Some DB gets hurt or suspended, fifth-year option on Burns is picked up. "But we don't have any other options!" "No joke guys, this is FINALLY gonna be his year!!!"
Regular season
All right, now we get into the really fun stuff.
No #2 receiver emerges. Washington sucks shit and continues on to become the next Sammie Coates, and McDonald is beat up all year. Ben does nothing but force it to Juju all year and has 40 interceptions.
It turns out Conner is just a guy. With no Munchak, the offensive line is merely average, and Conner is average along with it. Samuels is swapped in midseason out of desperation, but it's like switching Najeh Davenport out for Mewelde Moore. We finish 29th in the league in rushing and add RB to the list of needs.
Season record: 8-8. Hey guys! Another season without a losing record, what an amazing run! Since the AFC North sucked, we only lose the division by one game to the Bengals. Tomlin is safe! Colbert is safe! Butler is safe! We extend Tomlin 5 years but fire the janitor to send a message! And with the 19th pick in the 2020 NFL draft, the Pittsburgh Steelers select ...
Offseason:
It turns out Ben was playing half the season with a partially torn labrum or something that needs surgery. He either retires or is going to miss a big part of the next season and probably not be the same. Pouncey retires along with him, and in our big move of the offseason, we trade up to draft a center.
Haden retires or moves on, or is clearly done. Davis still doesn't get it but the Panthers or someone are willing to pay him $10 million on potential and he's gone. Back to square one for the defensive backfield.
Bell and Brown go to the Patriots. They both end up on the Raiders in 2019, and do a lot of bitching and moaning. In the great tradition of Al Davis, they get fleeced out of both for a seventh-round draft pick. "They were malcontents! At least we got something out of it!" They would go on to be great teammates, but the next 5 NFL seasons are all canceled because the entire country is covered 6 feet deep in my barf.
See, it could always be worse. Why do people think I'm being negative.