If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters
If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters
Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"
A urologist was recently kicked out of his professional association. It seems he didn't have the respect of his pee-ers.
I wish to report a crime....Roger Goodell is killing the game of football!
Ya know who's really into fisting?
Sock puppets
I really gotta go number one. Can we stop at the A and P ?
Stay classy, leftnutz
I saw a frumpy lady walking the other day and called my friend who was behind me and said, "she must be a baker" He asked, "Why?" I said, because she had a muffin top.
60 MINS, 53 MEN, 1 NATION
STEELERS NATION
A horse walks into a bar...bartender asks, "Hey...why the long face?" *ba-dum-bump*
I wish to report a crime....Roger Goodell is killing the game of football!
Tony the Shetland pony called and said he couldnt perform tonight because he is a little horse
For those i love i will sacrifice.
Si ventus non est, remiga
2 peanuts were walking down the road...on was a salted.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Three strings go into a bar and grab a booth in the corner. The first string gets up , goes to the bar, and orders three beers. The bartender tells him..."we don't serve strings here".
He goes back and tells his friends, so the second string gives it a try. "We don't serve strings", the bartender repeats.
The third string goes tothe bathroom...pulls the top of himself into tatters...pulls the bottom of himself into tatters...and ties a bow in his middle.
He goes to the bartender, orders three beers and the bartender looks him up and down and asks, "Are you a string"? To which the third string replies.."No...I'm a frayed knot"
"I believe the game is designed to reward the ones who hit the hardest. If you can't take it, you shouldn't play"
-- Jack Lambert --
A mushroom walks into the same bar and sits beside a beautiful blonde. "Can I buy you a drink" he asks.
The blonde looks at him and says "I dont accept drinks from mushrooms"
"Ah c'mon" says the mushroom. "I'm a fungi".
"I believe the game is designed to reward the ones who hit the hardest. If you can't take it, you shouldn't play"
-- Jack Lambert --
A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty. "You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."
The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse." "Give him his horse," said the Chief. The cowboy whispered something into the horses ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on it's back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her.
"Second wish," said the Chief. "I'll need my horse again," said the cowboy. "Give him his horse," said the Chief. Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful red-head on it's back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods; same as before.
"This is your last wish," said the Chief, " make it a good one." "I'll need my horse again." "Give him his horse," said the Chief. The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's.
"I SAID POSSE!!!!!!!"
A dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!"
60 MINS, 53 MEN, 1 NATION
STEELERS NATION
So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.
They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.
And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"
And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"
There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.
The moral of this story? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings............ including this one.
A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings............ including this one.
Census taker: How many children do you have?
Woman: Four.
Census taker: May I have their names, please?
Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.
Census taker: Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?
Woman: Because we didn't want any Mo.
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Official SteelUniverse Guru and BrainTrust Committee Chairman!!!
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings............ including this one.
A guy walks into a doctors office with a frog an his head the dr says "whats wrong with you" and the frog says "i dont know it started with a bump on my ass"
"Zeds dead baby, Zeds dead." - Butch
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Official SteelUniverse Guru and BrainTrust Committee Chairman!!!