Voodoo Dick
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought
he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone,
because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he
went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought
about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please
his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained
his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary
looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like every other
dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a
door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box,
darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door
shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before
the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to
$700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left
for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the
voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo
dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd
ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough,
and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and
tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her
how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes
on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust
of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road,
and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked
how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't
been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right...Voodoo dick, my arse!"