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Thread: The Aussie Joke Thread

  1. #61
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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #25

    Two mates were having a beer and talking about Freudian slips. The first said "Well. I went the other day to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh
    and I saw the ticket seller and she was beautiful with the biggest, most magnificent pair of breasts I'd ever seen.
    I was overcome. I went up to her to buy my ticket and instead of saying 'Excuse me, can I have a ticket to Pittsburgh?' I said 'Excuse me, can I have a picket to Tittsburgh?' I was so embarrassed I didn't know what to do."

    "I know what you mean," said the other guy. "Yesterday I was having breakfast with my wife as usual. I meant to say to her 'Could you please pass the butter.' But it came out as 'You bitch! You've ruined my fucking life!'"

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

  2. #62
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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Just caught back up since I haven't been on this thread in a while, and Aussie, you haven't let up one bit. These are great and I look forward to plenty more.

  3. #63
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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Another good one by Aussie

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #26

    Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation on the Gold Coast.
    At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them
    to their separate rooms.
    The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain
    physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression
    is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "One,
    Two, Three...Hup!" all night long.
    In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
    The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get
    an erection."
    The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked.
    "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed!"

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke # 27

    Note Dero = drifter / hobo

    Two deros were walking along a railway line near Granville
    The first dero stopped and said, "This is my favourite bit of line just here."
    "Why?" asked the second dero.
    "Well," said the first dero, "two years ago I found a slab of
    beer just here and spent the whole afternoon pissed out of my mind."
    They carried on walking for a few miles. Suddenly, the second dero
    stopped and said,
    "Now this is my favourite bit of line."
    "Why is that?" asked the first dero.
    "Well, twenty years ago I found a girl lying on the tracks. I undressed her,
    took her into the bushes just over there and spent all that afternoon
    fucking her!"
    "Bloody hell!" said the first dero. "Did she give you a blowjob?"
    "Naw," said the second dero. "I couldn't find her head."

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

  6. #66
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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Two more good ones Aussie!!

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #28

    A couple had been married a week, and one morning after they were lying
    idly in bed after doing the deed.
    "Darling," she cooed, toying with his limp todger, "didn't you say you were
    the only man with one of these?"
    "That's right, love."
    "No, you've been telling fibs. Your brother has one too."
    "Oh," stammered the bloke. "That was my spare one. I gave it to him."
    "Silly man," she said. "You gave the best one away!"

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

  8. #68
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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #29

    Snow White and the seven dwarves were returning home to their cottage one
    night after a day down the mine when Dopey walked up to Snow White and
    asked her, "Are there any midget Nuns in this forest?"
    Amidst much giggling from the other dwarves, Snow White replied, "No, Dopey.
    There are no midget Nuns in this forest."
    A bit further down the track, Dopey asks with a hint more desperation in his voice
    "Are there any midget Nuns in this country?" Again, Snow White replied to the
    negative amidst much laughter emanating from the direction of the other dwarves.
    Almost back to the cottage, Dopey is starting to look really upset, so he strides
    up to Snow White and demands "Are there any midget Nuns on the whole planet?"
    Before Snow White could reply, the other dwarves broke down completely and
    started chanting, "Dopey Fucked A Penguin, Dopey Fucked A Penguin"

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    That is funny lol

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Nice. Very Nice

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke # 30

    Norm goes to a sheering shed for a few months work, and after two
    weeks he starts feeling horny and goes up to the station master and
    has a quiet word in his ear. "Listen mate, I'm feeling kinda horny, and
    this being me first time at a sheering shed, I was wondering what a fella's
    gotta do around here for a root?"
    "Well," said the station master. "There's old Hung Chu the chinaman out
    back. Every now and then the blokes fuck him when there ain't no skirt around."
    Norm looked at the station master with shock. "No fuckin way, mate. I ain't
    fuckin no god damn chinaman!" and Norm stormed off in a rage.
    Two weeks later, Norms balls were on fire. His cock was red raw through
    wanking, yet he was desperate for some human contact. Norm walked up to
    the station master and said, "Listen mate, I'm desperate, I need a root so damn
    bad. Is that chinaman still available?"
    The station master tells Norm that the chinaman was still available and that he
    would bring him around straight away.
    Norm then said to the station master, "Could we keep this our little secret, I don't
    really like the idea of fucking a chinaman, and the fewer people who know about
    it the better."
    The station master looked at Norm with those understanding eyes that come with
    spending many years in the outback and said, "Sure, only the five of us will ever
    know."
    "What the fuck!" said Norm, "Five of us? 'What the hell do you mean the five of us?'"
    "Well, there's you… me… the chinaman, and the two blokes that have gotta hold
    him down, cause he don't like it either!"

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

  12. #72
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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Add another good one Aussie. Thanks for the laugh

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #31

    George got up to join the parade at the fancy-dress ball wearing only his Y-fronts.
    "What's this?" asked the MC, holding his notebook and pen. "You've got to
    represent something."
    George insisted that he did. "I represent premature ejaculation."
    "How do you spell that?" the MC asked, about to note it down.
    "Erm… dunno," George replied.
    "Just say that I came in my undies."

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #32

    This bloke and his missus were travelling along in their car. Some time later a police
    officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window
    and says "Did you know you were speeding back there?"
    The lady, who is almost deaf turns to her husband and says "What did he say, what
    did he say?"
    The man turns to his wife and said "He said I was speeding."
    The officer then said "Where do you come from?"
    The man replied "Broken Hill"
    The wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?"
    The man turns to his wife and said, "He wanted to know where we came from."
    The officer then said "Shit, I had my worst fuck ever in Broken Hill."
    The lady then says "What did he say, what did he say?"
    The man turns back and says, "He says he thinks he knows you."

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #33

    There was an old man who's health was failing so his family decided it
    would be better to place the old guy into a home where they could visit
    him each weekend.
    After one week, the mans' son came to visit him and asked his dad, "What do
    you think of the home?"
    The old man replied, "Terrific son. The other day I woke up with a hard on and
    a beautiful young nurse came into the room and gave me headjob."
    The following week, the son visited his dad again and once again asked how his
    dad was getting on.
    "Terrible", replied the old man. "The other day, I fell down in the hallway and a big orderly fucked me up the arse. I want to go home son!"
    "Well dad" , replied the son, "you always told me that you had to take the good
    with the bad. One week you got a headjob, the next you got fucked. That ain't so
    bad is it?"
    "Ain't bad!?" exclaimed the old man, "I only have a hardon once a year, I fall over 10 times a day!"

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

  16. #76
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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Aussie_steeler View Post
    Joke #33
    Good one Aussie.

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #34

    A husband and wife moved from outback NSW into the big city because
    they were finding it hard to make ends meet.
    The husband told his missus that she would have to work as a prostitute to
    supplement their income.
    So he walked her down to the nearest corner and told her he'd wait a bit further
    down the road, and that she should come and see him if she had any problems.
    Only a few minutes later, she got her first customer.
    "How much?" he asked.
    "Er… wait just one sec!" she said, and ran down to her husband.
    "How much should I charge this bloke?" she inquired.
    "Charge him $100!" the hubby said.
    Quickly, she ran back to the bloke standing on the corner and told him the price.
    "But lady, I've only got $80 on me," the horny bloke frowned. "What can I get for
    that amount?"
    She thought for a moment and then took off back to her husband again.
    "For $80, tell him he can only get a head job," the husband informed her.
    So she ran back. "You can have a head job for $80," She told him.
    Reluctantly, the customer agreed and undid his zipper. To her amazement, a
    15-inch cock tumbled out.
    "Wait one second," the wife said, and sprinted down to her husband.
    "You wouldn't be able to lend this bloke $20, would you?" she asked.

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

  18. #78
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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    ATLANTA AIRPORT - AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL


    You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South.

    Southerners can be so polite!

    Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on Runway 9R."

    Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We acknowledge we are cleared to land on infidel's Runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

    Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on Runway 9R."

    Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We acknowledge that we are cleared to land westbound on infidel's Runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

    Pause...



    Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"


    Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."


    Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION
    COURSE... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."



    Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us...................
    If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings............ including this one.

  19. #79
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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #35

    On their 25th anniversary, a bloke took his wife on a second honeymoon to the
    same place as their first. Same motel, same room as on their wedding night.
    When they checked in, his wife said, "Oh honey, it'll be just like when we got married!"
    "Yeah," said the bloke. "Except this time, it'll be me sitting on the edge of the bed,
    screaming', it's too big, it's too big!'"

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #36

    Two upper class Pommy brothers, one very hard of hearing, were having a quiet
    drink in a Chelsea pub where a drunken loud-mouthed Aussie was regaling the
    bar with his opinions.
    "What a place England is. Free and open and as friendly as buggery," said the Australian.
    "What did he say?" asked the hard-of-hearing brother.
    "He said he likes England," said the other.
    "And Pommy women are fantastic," said the Aussie very loudly. 'They're terrific sports,
    do anything in bed, fuckin' great."
    "What was that?" asked brother number 1.
    "He says he likes English women."
    The Aussie continued, "And last night I picked up a brassy old broad who took me home
    and fucked me stupid all night. Gee, she knew some tricks. The silly old bitch. What a fuck!"
    "What did he say?" asked the deafish bastard.
    "He said he'd met Mother."

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

  21. #81
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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #37

    The leprechaun
    A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he
    sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he
    cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The
    leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
    The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."
    "Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
    "Well, havin' such a large cock and all makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing
    not fittin' and all.. I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick
    until I come."
    The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything
    he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away.
    The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
    The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?"
    "28," says the guy.
    "Aren't you a wee bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Another good one Aussie

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke# 38

    A woman gets up, puts up the shades, takes the cover off the parrot's
    cage, makes a coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her
    boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shades,
    puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The
    parrot, from under the cloth then says: "Well that was a short fuckin' day!"

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

  24. #84
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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #39

    Back from a short holiday ( from this thread)

    Here we go again

    Complaining to his missus because they were flat broke again,
    this bloke told his missus,
    "If your tits would give milk, we wouldn't have to feed our cow.
    And if your **** would lay eggs, we would sell the chickens."
    "Yeah" his wife replied. "And if your cock could get hard, we could
    get rid of your brother!!!

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

  25. #85
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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #40

    Voodoo Dick
    There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
    business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought
    he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone,
    because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he
    went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought
    about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
    He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please
    his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained
    his situation.
    The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.
    We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
    anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…" and he stopped.
    "Except what?" the man asked.
    "Nothing, nothing."
    "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
    "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
    "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
    The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
    carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary
    looking dildo.
    The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like every other
    dildo in this shop!"
    The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a
    door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box,
    darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door
    shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before
    the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
    The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
    "I'll take it!" said the businessman.
    The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to
    $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
    and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left
    for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
    After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought
    of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the
    voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo
    dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd
    ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough,
    and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and
    tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her
    how to shut it off.
    So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes
    on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust
    of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road,
    and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked
    how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't
    been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn't stop screwing.
    The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right...Voodoo dick, my arse!"

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

  26. #86
    Original Member Array title="steelerdude15 has a brilliant future"> steelerdude15's Avatar

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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #39 is

  27. #87
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    Re: The Aussie Joke Thread

    Joke #41

    A woman was drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slipped
    over and landed spread legged on the bathroom floor. She tried to stand
    up again but then she realized that she had landed so hard that her pussy
    has stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she couldn't move. She
    called out to her husband for help, and he rushes in and tried with all his strength
    to lift her up, but she just wouldn't budge. So he went next door and got the neighbor.
    Both of them start pulling her arms with all their strength, but she just wouldn't budge.
    She was well and truly stuck to the floor.
    Suddenly the neighbor said, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the
    tiles around her legs and lift her that way?"
    "Great idea, mate" says the husband, "but just let me rub her tits a little so I can
    push her over into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."

    "NUMBER 7 FOR OUR BELOVED ONE IN HEAVEN"

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