The Aussie Joke Thread

[Aussie_steeler]

Joke #11

A doctor was transferred to a very tough Australian commando base. On this first
day three soldiers turned up to see him.
The first marched in and snapped to attention.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I've got piles ( haemorroids) sir!" shouted soldier.
"How have you been treating them?" asked the doctor as he examined the soldier.
"I've been rubbing my arse with a wire brush until it bleeds, Sir!" replied the commando.
The doctor then asked the soldier about his main ambitions in life.
"I want to kill more enemies, sir!" he replied.
The doctor was amazed that a soldier in so much pain just wanted to do his duty.
The second soldier marched in and told the doctor he had gonorrhea.
"How have you been treating it until now?" asked the doctor.
"I've been rubbing the end of my prick with a wire brush until it bleeds, sir!"
The doctor then asked him about his ambition in life.
"To kill more enemies, sir!" the soldier replied.
Again the doctor was amazed about the pain threshold of the soldiers.
Finally, the third soldier walked in and the doctor asked him about his problem.
"I've got ulcerated gums, sir!" the soldier bellowed.
"And how are you treating them?" asked the doctor.
"I've been rubbing my gums with a wire brush until they bleed, sir!" replied the soldier.
"And what's your ambition in life?" asked the doctor.
"To be the first to use the wire brush, sir!"

[Galax Steeler]

Ouch that hurts just a thinking about it.

[SteelMember]

#9

#10

#11...googling piles.

[Aussie_steeler]

#9

#10

#11...googling piles. Haemoroids like things on your arse

Joke #12

A fireman come home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a
wonderful system at work. At Bell 1 we all put our coats on. At Bell 2 we all slide
down the pole, and when Bell 3 rings we're in the truck and ready to go.
"From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say 'Bell 1', you'll
strip naked. When I shout Bell 2, you're going to jump into bed. And when I say 'Bell 3',
were going to fuck all night long."
The next night he returned home from work as horny as all hell.
"Bell 1!" he yelled, and his wife tore her clothes off.
"Bell 2!" he screamed, and she leapt into bed.
"Bell 3!" he hollered and, jumping on top of her, began fucking her like there was
no tomorrow.
After only a few minutes, his wife started yelling, "Bell 4!, Bell 4!, Bell 4!"
"Eh? He said, stunned. "What the fuck is Bell 4?"
"More hose!, More hose!" she replied. "You ain't nowhere near the fire!"

[Galax Steeler]

Joke #12

That is a classic I have not heard that one in a long time.

[Aussie_steeler]

Joke #13

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor.
"Doctor I think I have the crabs."
"When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks.
"I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied.

The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table
and he would examine her. After the examination he said, "I have some good
news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs.

The bad news is you've got fruit flies. Your cherry rotted."

[Galax Steeler]

Aussie is there a joke you haven't heard.LOL

[Aussie_steeler]

Aussie is there a joke you haven't heard.LOL

Of course. I have just been lucky to have access to a reasonable collection of good jokes. Its something that most Aussie men like to do when they are drinking.

Joke #13

The new husband and his bride were in bed, when the husband
says, "Honey, anytime you wake up and want to have sex, you
don't have to say a word, just reach over and pull my dick a
couple of times,"
"And if I don't want sex?"
"Pull on it forty or fifty times," the husband said.

[kmsteelerwr15]

Still got me

[Aussie_steeler]

Joke #14

Bill joined the foreign legion, and was assigned to a fort, way out in the Sahara
desert, far from any town. During his orientation session, he asked the sergeant
what the legionnaires did when they had to relieve their urge.
"The desert provides, son," the sergeant said. "When you feel the need at night
go to the hut by the palm tree outside the fort. There's a hole in the side. Stick your
dick in the hole and you'll get relief."
Bill was very skeptical, but soon he was about to go out of his skull. He waited until
the sun descended, then ran out to the hut and stuck his dick in the hole. Sure enough,
a pair of warm lips surrounded his member and quickly brought him to ecstasy. Bill
suddenly had a new view of life in the legion. He visited the hut the next night and the
third. But on the fourth night, when he thrust his penis in, nothing happened. He rushed
back, found the sergeant and asked him what the hell was going on.
"Forgot to tell you," the sergeant said, "it's your night to sit in the hut."

[Galax Steeler]

Joke #14

I am getting used to reading your daily jokes every morning. LOL

[Aussie_steeler]

Joke #15

There was an English, an American, and an Aussie. One day they were discussing
how easily they can get their missus' horny. So the Englishman says "All I have
to do is rub my missus' nipples and she lifts a foot off the bed".
The American laughs and says "Yeah, well all I have to do is slip the tongue in and
my missus lifts two feet off the bed".
By now the Aussie is pissin' himself laughin' and comes out with "Yeah, that's
nothin' either. All I do is wipe my cock on the curtain and my missus hits the roof!"

[Galax Steeler]

Aussie where are you at I am going to miss the morning joke. LOL

[Aussie_steeler]

Aussie where are you at I am going to miss the morning joke. LOL

Running late

Joke #16 for GALAX

The frightened young bride wanted to spend her wedding night at
her mother's house. That night, as her new husband began taking
his shirt off, the bride took one look and promptly went running to
her mother.
"He's got hair all over his chest," she cried. "What should I do?"
"Go back to your husband," her mother replied, "and do your wifely duty."
After she returned to the bedroom, her husband took his pants off. Again,
she went running to her mother. "He's got hair all over his legs," she whimpered.
"What should I do?"
"Go back and do your wifely duty," her mother said again.
Returning once more, she watched as her husband took off his shoes. Noticing
that one of his feet was half-amputated, off she went to mother. "He's only got
one and a half feet!" she wailed, "what should I do?"
"Just calm down and wait here, dear," her mother soothed.
"Mother will takeover now."

[SteelMember]

[kmsteelerwr15]

[Aussie_steeler]

Joke # 17

The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took
her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him
in the face.
"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman.
"In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.'
Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled,
'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

[Galax Steeler]

Those are a couple of good ones I wish I could remember half of them.

[Aussie_steeler]

Joke #18

An old blind man was standing on the corner when his dog
cocked its leg and pissed all over the bloke's trousers.
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a dog biscuit.
"You shouldn't reward him for doing something like that," said
a passerby. "He'll never learn."
"I'm not rewarding him," replied the blind bloke.
"I'm just trying to find his mouth so I can kick his arse!"

[Aussie_steeler]

Joke # 19

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years
of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into
a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home,
tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to
go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from
him after she prepares him a drink.
She slowly spread her legs, and in a husky come fuck me voice say's
"Honey, would you like some of this?"
The husband looks between his aging wife's legs and lets out his breath,
looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what its done to
your fuckin' underwear."

[kmsteelerwr15]

[Galax Steeler]

I like the no.16 that is funny.

[Aussie_steeler]

Joke #20

A special one for you Galax

There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready
for sleep and the husband put his bedlamp on and read a book. As he
was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling
with her pussy.
He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to
reading his book.
The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your
gear off?".
The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was
foreplay for something a bit heavier"
The husband said, "No, not at all".
The wife then asked," Well, what were you doing then?".
"Oh", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!."

[Galax Steeler]

Joke #20

A special one for you Galax

I see what goes on in Australia set around and tell jokes all the time. That one is probably the best so far.

[Aussie_steeler]

Joke #21

An old farmer was sitting on his front porch one day, watching the world
go by, when a young kid went by carrying a whole bunch of wire.
The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha carrying that wire for, son?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just normal wire, this is chicken wire!
I'm gonna go catch me some chickens with it."
The farmer said, "Silly kid, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The kid ignored him and went on down the road. Several hours later, the kid
went walking up the road the other direction, carrying a dozen chickens all
bound up in chicken wire.
The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by
again, this time carrying several rolls of tape.
The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha doing with all that tape?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just normal tape, this is duck tape.
I'm gonna go catch me some ducks with it."
The farmer replied, "Silly kid, don't you know you can't catch ducks with
duck tape?"
The kid ignored him and went on his way. Several hours later, the kid returned
walking up the road carrying a whole bunch of ducks, all wrapped up in duck tape.
The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by
again, this time carrying a stick. The farmer yelled out, "Where ya going with
that stick?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just a normal stick. This is a pussy willow."
The farmer said, "Hold on right there kid. Let me get my hat..."

[Galax Steeler]

Joke #21

I think I would have been grabbing by hat as well.

[GitNoLuv]

What do you call a black pilot?












A Pilot ya freaking racist!

[Aussie_steeler]

Joke #22

Two drug dealers are arrested and appear before a judge for trial. Both
men are convicted, but the judge agrees to suspend their sentences if, as
a community service,
they speak to youngsters and successfully steer them away from drugs.
They accept and report back to the judge one week later.
The judge asks the first man, "How successful were you getting kids off
of drugs?"
He replies, "I did very well. I stopped 36 kids from doing drugs."
"That's great," replied the judge, "How did you do that?"
The man says, "Well first I drew two circles like this." "And then,"
he continued, "I pointed to the big one and said, 'This is your brain
before drugs." "And then I pointed to the small one and said, 'And this is
your brain after drugs."
"Well," says the judge, "its simple yet effective." He asks the second man
how he did. The second man responds, drew two circles just like he did,
but I got 100 kids off drugs." "Wow, that's amazing. What did you say that
worked so well?"
"First I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before jail!"

[Aussie_steeler]

JOke #23

A young kid was walking down the road with his father when they
saw a dead sparrow lying upside down on the pavement.
"Daddy, why is the bird lying there?"
"Because it's dead, son" answered the father.
"Why is it lying with its feet in the air?"
Dad was a bit stumped. "That is so Jesus can come down, pick it
up and carry it to heaven."
They walked along a bit, then the boy said "Mummy nearly died
yesterday." "What do you mean?" asked the father.
"Well, when I got home from school yesterday, she was lying on
the bed with her legs in the air, and she was shouting `Jesus, I'm coming!'.
If the milkman hadn't been lying on top of her we'd have lost her for sure!"

[Aussie_steeler]

Joke #24

The horny midget found that the best way to score with women was to be direct about it.

So he went up to this tall blond woman and said, "Hey, honey, what do you say to a little fuck?"

She looked down at him and smiled, and replied "Hello, you little fuck!"