Originally Posted by
steelreserve
I had a favorite dog one time, but then it got old and just started blowing diarrhea out of its butt everywhere.
One time we were sitting down to eat dinner, and all of a sudden - BWWWUUTTTTTTTTTTTTT all up and down the wall, its hips bucking up and down, for 12 full seconds.
I timed it with a stopwatch I kept at the table for the purpose.
The whole family used to gather around and laugh every time it happened, because we were insensitive motherfuckers.
My 6-year-old brother Jake would even point.
We laughed some more and high-fived him for that.
Anyway, one day we knew it was time.
We went with the family up to our favorite spot by the sea, and up on top of a big cliff overlooking the waves.
It was so serene.
I found a big stick, and ran up to the edge of the cliff egging our dog on, then right at the end, I wound up and threw it as far as I could in a beautiful arc through the sky.
The dog didn't buy it, and stopped short of the edge, watching the stick fall down into the waves and wagging his tail.
None of us knew what to do.
We all thought he was dumb enough to run right over the cliff, but there he was, wagging his tail and smiling.
So I ran up behind him and delivered a big roundhouse kick, as hard as I could.
It was the most perfect kick of my life.
I was only 10 years old, but it hit him right in the asshole and lifted him a good three feet into the air.
As he was flying over the edge, he looked back at me.
On his face was an expression speaking of incredible betrayal.
How could you do this to me?
Then it wore off and he was just excited to be falling, and I was excited for him too.
We watched him fall down 100 feet, 200 feet, more, wondering if he'd clear the rocks.
He didn't, by the slimmest of margins.
Tumbling end over end, just his head clipped a rock by the waterline, and a faint red mist spattered into the surrounding tidepools.
It didn't take long before the birds closed in and started eating little bits of brain off the rocks.
I felt horrified - what have I done?
But then there was Jake, running up with a big grin on his face
And Dad, giving me a big hug and a power handshake
"Good job son, way to be a man. I'm proud of you."
Then we all hugged, and a tear came into my eye
and Dad grabbed me by the throat and snapped at me,
"Don't be such a pussy. I did not raise a son who's going to play for the Patriots."
Then we all laughed and went out for pizza,
and when we were done and piling into the car, I found our dog's old leash
and I felt sad, so I laid it on the ground
and then I pissed all over it and set it on fire
and then we drove off like assholes, yelling and kicking up tons of gravel into the air with our tires.
That was my favorite dog ever, and I'll always miss him.
Later, we all went to jail for armed robbery.
If you couldn't tell, that story was about Hines Ward. I'm not sure how, or what the point was, but think about it and you'll understand how significant he was to this football team.