PDA

View Full Version : How To Poop At Work



venom
02-23-2011, 12:20 PM
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
work:

CROP DUSTING (also known as the drag-bunt):
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall to the sink to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farting, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damned proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.

THE NEUROTIC:
This is the co-worker who, if at all possible, avoids going to poop at work,often scheming at great length to ensure any pooping takes place out of the office. These individuals often create "Safe Havens" near the office, such as in hotels or restaurants. Extreme cases involve actual returning home to poop.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain
in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This
person can spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,as you should always wait to poop until the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

7SteelGal43
02-23-2011, 12:57 PM
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This
person can spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,as you should always wait to poop until the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.



The 'Uncle Todd' is the thing that makes me the most uncomfortable. I hate it.

tube517
02-23-2011, 01:31 PM
Uncle Todds in the mall or dept store bathrooms are the worst. GTFO already.



The 'Uncle Todd' is the thing that makes me the most uncomfortable. I hate it.

BigPoppaG
02-23-2011, 01:53 PM
To get rid of a Uncle Todd...forgo the courtesy flush.:thumbsup:

7SteelGal43
02-23-2011, 02:14 PM
To get rid of a Uncle Todd...forgo the courtesy flush.:thumbsup:




:toofunny:

HometownGal
02-23-2011, 02:51 PM
Eeeeek! I hate the Uncle Todd as well. I just want to scream "you've got a face like a bulldog and staring at your puss in the mirror isn't going to change it, so get the hell away from the mirror and the fook out of here already". :heh: :lol:


COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



Most toilets now flush themselves either when the :poop: hits the water or when I'm getting up from the seat giving me a damned wet ass which pisses me off. :mad: :lol:

SteelerSal
02-23-2011, 03:12 PM
Eeeeek! I hate the Uncle Todd as well. I just want to scream "you've got a face like a bulldog and staring at your puss in the mirror isn't going to change it, so get the hell away from the mirror and the fook out of here already". :heh: :lol:



Most toilets now flush themselves either when the :poop: hits the water or when I'm getting up from the seat giving me a damned wet ass which pisses me off. :mad: :lol:

TMI!! :lol:

HometownGal
02-23-2011, 03:33 PM
TMI!! :lol:

Well - it's the truth damn it! :heh: ;)

SteelerSal
02-23-2011, 03:35 PM
Well - it's the truth damn it! :heh: ;)

:lol:

NJarhead
02-23-2011, 04:57 PM
A Co-Worker here.., we'll call him Uncle Todd, has already established a comfort level for everyone else as NO ONE could fuck up a bath room like he can. He knows this and he's proud. I personally don't care if I stink it up. I only feel bad for the 4-5 women who are within ear and nose shot of the male shitter. haha

ALLD
02-23-2011, 08:03 PM
Some of this list can be applied to, "How to Fart on an Airplane".

vasteeler
02-24-2011, 10:45 AM
they need to have a term for that guy who insists on talking to you while your on the shitter.....i hate that freaking guy

vader29
02-24-2011, 11:21 AM
They also need a listing for the silent shitter, the person who is uber quiet and doesn't lock the door on their stall causing an unsuspecting person to become a turd burglar.

SteelerSal
02-24-2011, 11:26 AM
they need to have a term for that guy who insists on talking to you while your on the shitter.....i hate that freaking guy

I just asked you one question and now you hate me. :(

Devilsdancefloor
02-24-2011, 12:59 PM
they need to have a term for that guy who insists on talking to you while your on the shitter.....i hate that freaking guy

The guy on his phone i hate this guy !!if sal keeps asking questions just ignore him :heh:

SteelerSal
02-24-2011, 02:10 PM
The guy on his phone i hate this guy !!if sal keeps asking questions just ignore him :heh:

I ran out of toilet paper and only asked if he could spare a square.

venom
02-24-2011, 03:31 PM
I dont have a square to spare

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_EyEIqOjAaj8/Sy7sGDSeywI/AAAAAAAAAho/EtUTI6vnrNw/s400/Fall+2009-5+055.jpg

SteelerSal
02-24-2011, 04:58 PM
I dont have a square to spare

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_EyEIqOjAaj8/Sy7sGDSeywI/AAAAAAAAAho/EtUTI6vnrNw/s400/Fall+2009-5+055.jpg

I take it you remember that Seinfeld episode also? :lol:

HometownGal
02-24-2011, 05:12 PM
I ran out of toilet paper and only asked if he could spare a square.

TMI. :lol: ;)

Ewwwwww. A square of that cheap TP they put in public restrooms will give you a :poop: finger! :horror:

SteelerSal
02-24-2011, 05:19 PM
TMI. :lol: ;)

Ewwwwww. A square of that cheap TP they put in public restrooms will give you a :poop: finger! :horror:

LMAO!!!! :lol: That's just nasty!!!

Doc_Holiday
03-04-2011, 11:21 PM
I hate people who don't flush - they just leave their mark for someone else. I've vowed that if I ever catch on, I'm making that punk pull it out with their bare hands.

Steelerone67
03-21-2011, 10:40 AM
The best way to poop in work is to find the single toilet bathrooms. I have two right out side my office... never agian will i poop in public at work its all private baby lol~!:humble:

SteelerEmpire
03-22-2011, 01:08 PM
The US Navy taught me how to "drop one, and flush one" as you go along so that it will not stink up the place. US Military Technology 'is' the finest in the world... :usa2:

Steelerone67
03-22-2011, 02:10 PM
The US Navy taught me how to "drop one, and flush one" as you go along so that it will not stink up the place. US Military Technology 'is' the finest in the world... :usa2:

Just like the US to teach you way the makes it smell less but uses more water... GOD BLESS AMERICA!