LLT
06-12-2010, 06:36 AM
Well...its that time of year again. During the down time lets go over some basic "fan rules":
1. As a fan, you have to pick a team, one team, same as if you are getting married, unless you’re a Mormon and lets be honest, Utah doesn’t have a pro-football team so it’s a moot point. Under extenuating circumstances, however, you may back an additional team if the following criteria are met:
(a) Your wife is a true football fan and backed a team BEFORE you were married..then you are allowed to back her team in the name of keeping the peace and in the hopes of ever having sex again.
(b) You're a bandwagon-jumping, low-self-esteem, fair-weather weenie and scurry from New England to Dallas to Minnesota to Baltimore depending on the year, the polls and the amount of water flooding into your ship.
2. Your Teams of allegiance must be in different conferences.
3. If your teams of allegiance ever play each other, you must pick one to root for, before the game, and put your preference in writing, ALL CAPS, preferably in blood. No sitting on the fence, no qualified endorsements, no switching sides at halftime.
4. You may not bet against your favorite team unless you're: (a) in Vegas and about to sell bodily fluids or organs to cover your previous losses (c) looking at a huge spread and you think your team will win but not cover, probably 'cause it may start playing “prevent defense”.
5. You are allowed to root freely against the following teams for no specific reasons and regardless of who they are playing: Cincinnati; New England; Baltimore; and Dallas. If two of these teams are playing each other you must cheer for the team whose Linebacker did NOT do a dance that resembled an epileptic seizure or or who team did NOT play that stupid “Who Dey” song 4,387 times.
6. Male Fans please observe the following age limits on attire.
• 25-and-under: Team jersey or shirtless (body paint mandatory)
• 26-35: T-shirt, jersey, shirtless if you work out at least three times per week and/or have a BMI reading of less than "morbidly obese"
• 36-50: Polo shirt
• 51-75: Sweater vest with polo shirt underneath; sweatshirt from title game two decades ago
• 75-over: Shirtless, alcoholic steam rising from graying chest hair
7. Female Fans please observe the following age limits on female attire:
• 25-and-under: Baby-doll tank top, or sports bra if spelling out letter with body paint; cowboy hats; short shorts with team name on rear.
• 26-35: T-shirt, jersey or sweatshirt
• 36-50: Any outfit accented by bead-heavy team necklace
• 51-75: Any outfit accented by glittery hat or electric glasses
• 75-over: Hair must be dyed team colors; polyester pants to match.
8. If you weigh less than 150 pounds, you can spell out only the following letters when shirtless and wearing body paint: L, T.
9. If you weigh more than 275 pounds, you can spell out only the following letters when shirtless and wearing body paint: S, R, E..
10. If you're a hot female, paint yourself with Egyptian hieroglyphics for all I care
11. You must be willing and able to sing the “Here We Go” song at any moment, in any location, under any circumstances.
12. It is OK to say that we do not need cheerleaders
13. It is never OK to deny the hotness of other teams cheerleaders.
14. Not even at Cincinnati.
15 . Please observe the following age guidelines on appropriate thoughts to have while ogling the Cheerleaders:
• 11-15: What is this strange tingling feeling?
• 16-18: This is awesome...Hope my mom doesn’t catch me watching.
• 18-24: Damn, I wish my girlfriend would wear that.
• 25-35: College was awesome… Hope my wife doesn’t catch me watching
• 36-50: Damn, I wish she'd wear a burka or something. That could be my baby daughter!
• 51-75: Gee, what a lovely young lady. I hope she meets a nice boy.
• 75-over: What is this strange tingling feeling? Do I have to go to the bathroom again?
16. You are allowed to start tailgating six hours before kickoff.
17. You must leave your tailgate at least 20 minutes before kickoff and be in your seat for the national anthem.
18. Unless you're getting digits.
19. Never leave a game early, unless: (a) your wife’s water just broke; (b) or it's time to use those digits.
20. When arguing with fans from another conference, you are allowed to cite the accomplishments of rival teams within your conference.
20a. Grudgingly.
21. You must have at least two bobbleheads or stuffed animals on your office desk, or a combination of one bobblehead and one stuffed animal.
22. No refrigerator schedule magnet? Then the terrorists have already won.
23. If your significant other’s team is playing yours, no sex on rivalry game day.
23a. If your significant other’s team is playing yours, all wagers should involve sex.
23b. If rule 23a is in effect, waive rule 23.
24. (For men): Never hit on a woman while wearing face paint.
24a. (For men): Always hit on a woman who is wearing face paint.
25. (For women): Never hit on a man spelling out the following letters in body paint: S, R, E.
26. Anyone who calls Goodell a “good commissioner” must receive one punch directly to the throat.
26a. If you are giving the punch, remember: This hurts you more than it hurts them…but its necessary.
27. You must make at least one road trip without tickets or a hotel room lined up ahead of time.
27a. Bonus points if you spend the night in your car.
27b. Double bonus points if you spend the night in your car…and a cop taps on your window.
28. If your team wins the Super bowl, you are allowed to spend $1,000 on commemorative items with absolutely no questions asked.
28a. No questions means no questions, not even about the leather hardbound Sports Illustrated just-add-water Super Bowl Chia book.
29. Never call to taunt a rival fan when the game is still in progress, unless your team holds a lead of 28 points or more in the 4th quarter.
29a. A snarky text message works fine.
30. Never answer the phone after your team loses a big game.
30a. Better still, unplug your phone.
30b. Even better still, throw your phone out the window. Then run it over.
31. Always be willing to take your medicine. Never skip work the following Monday after your team loses a big game. Take your medicine like a real fan.
32. You are allowed one e-mail per season to a media outlet – local or national – bitterly complaining about the lack of respect and obvious media bias for your team
32a. More than one such e-mail makes you a paranoid crybaby.
32b. If you're a Seahawks fan, just shut up already.
1. As a fan, you have to pick a team, one team, same as if you are getting married, unless you’re a Mormon and lets be honest, Utah doesn’t have a pro-football team so it’s a moot point. Under extenuating circumstances, however, you may back an additional team if the following criteria are met:
(a) Your wife is a true football fan and backed a team BEFORE you were married..then you are allowed to back her team in the name of keeping the peace and in the hopes of ever having sex again.
(b) You're a bandwagon-jumping, low-self-esteem, fair-weather weenie and scurry from New England to Dallas to Minnesota to Baltimore depending on the year, the polls and the amount of water flooding into your ship.
2. Your Teams of allegiance must be in different conferences.
3. If your teams of allegiance ever play each other, you must pick one to root for, before the game, and put your preference in writing, ALL CAPS, preferably in blood. No sitting on the fence, no qualified endorsements, no switching sides at halftime.
4. You may not bet against your favorite team unless you're: (a) in Vegas and about to sell bodily fluids or organs to cover your previous losses (c) looking at a huge spread and you think your team will win but not cover, probably 'cause it may start playing “prevent defense”.
5. You are allowed to root freely against the following teams for no specific reasons and regardless of who they are playing: Cincinnati; New England; Baltimore; and Dallas. If two of these teams are playing each other you must cheer for the team whose Linebacker did NOT do a dance that resembled an epileptic seizure or or who team did NOT play that stupid “Who Dey” song 4,387 times.
6. Male Fans please observe the following age limits on attire.
• 25-and-under: Team jersey or shirtless (body paint mandatory)
• 26-35: T-shirt, jersey, shirtless if you work out at least three times per week and/or have a BMI reading of less than "morbidly obese"
• 36-50: Polo shirt
• 51-75: Sweater vest with polo shirt underneath; sweatshirt from title game two decades ago
• 75-over: Shirtless, alcoholic steam rising from graying chest hair
7. Female Fans please observe the following age limits on female attire:
• 25-and-under: Baby-doll tank top, or sports bra if spelling out letter with body paint; cowboy hats; short shorts with team name on rear.
• 26-35: T-shirt, jersey or sweatshirt
• 36-50: Any outfit accented by bead-heavy team necklace
• 51-75: Any outfit accented by glittery hat or electric glasses
• 75-over: Hair must be dyed team colors; polyester pants to match.
8. If you weigh less than 150 pounds, you can spell out only the following letters when shirtless and wearing body paint: L, T.
9. If you weigh more than 275 pounds, you can spell out only the following letters when shirtless and wearing body paint: S, R, E..
10. If you're a hot female, paint yourself with Egyptian hieroglyphics for all I care
11. You must be willing and able to sing the “Here We Go” song at any moment, in any location, under any circumstances.
12. It is OK to say that we do not need cheerleaders
13. It is never OK to deny the hotness of other teams cheerleaders.
14. Not even at Cincinnati.
15 . Please observe the following age guidelines on appropriate thoughts to have while ogling the Cheerleaders:
• 11-15: What is this strange tingling feeling?
• 16-18: This is awesome...Hope my mom doesn’t catch me watching.
• 18-24: Damn, I wish my girlfriend would wear that.
• 25-35: College was awesome… Hope my wife doesn’t catch me watching
• 36-50: Damn, I wish she'd wear a burka or something. That could be my baby daughter!
• 51-75: Gee, what a lovely young lady. I hope she meets a nice boy.
• 75-over: What is this strange tingling feeling? Do I have to go to the bathroom again?
16. You are allowed to start tailgating six hours before kickoff.
17. You must leave your tailgate at least 20 minutes before kickoff and be in your seat for the national anthem.
18. Unless you're getting digits.
19. Never leave a game early, unless: (a) your wife’s water just broke; (b) or it's time to use those digits.
20. When arguing with fans from another conference, you are allowed to cite the accomplishments of rival teams within your conference.
20a. Grudgingly.
21. You must have at least two bobbleheads or stuffed animals on your office desk, or a combination of one bobblehead and one stuffed animal.
22. No refrigerator schedule magnet? Then the terrorists have already won.
23. If your significant other’s team is playing yours, no sex on rivalry game day.
23a. If your significant other’s team is playing yours, all wagers should involve sex.
23b. If rule 23a is in effect, waive rule 23.
24. (For men): Never hit on a woman while wearing face paint.
24a. (For men): Always hit on a woman who is wearing face paint.
25. (For women): Never hit on a man spelling out the following letters in body paint: S, R, E.
26. Anyone who calls Goodell a “good commissioner” must receive one punch directly to the throat.
26a. If you are giving the punch, remember: This hurts you more than it hurts them…but its necessary.
27. You must make at least one road trip without tickets or a hotel room lined up ahead of time.
27a. Bonus points if you spend the night in your car.
27b. Double bonus points if you spend the night in your car…and a cop taps on your window.
28. If your team wins the Super bowl, you are allowed to spend $1,000 on commemorative items with absolutely no questions asked.
28a. No questions means no questions, not even about the leather hardbound Sports Illustrated just-add-water Super Bowl Chia book.
29. Never call to taunt a rival fan when the game is still in progress, unless your team holds a lead of 28 points or more in the 4th quarter.
29a. A snarky text message works fine.
30. Never answer the phone after your team loses a big game.
30a. Better still, unplug your phone.
30b. Even better still, throw your phone out the window. Then run it over.
31. Always be willing to take your medicine. Never skip work the following Monday after your team loses a big game. Take your medicine like a real fan.
32. You are allowed one e-mail per season to a media outlet – local or national – bitterly complaining about the lack of respect and obvious media bias for your team
32a. More than one such e-mail makes you a paranoid crybaby.
32b. If you're a Seahawks fan, just shut up already.